There are a few things that you just know
are important: a drink of cool water on a hot day and a toilet when you really
need one.
I think it is probably a common fear for
all of us at some point in our lives, needing a toilet and not being able to
find one. I spent may years working in out back Australia and it was not un
common for me to drive 10 hours plus to reach a destination and should the need
arrive that you needed to make a “pit stop” I would just pull over and “take a
break” if you know what I mean. In fact I became very proficient at crafting
conveniences out of old bushes, branches, stumps and forks in trees when you
needed to make a stop for number “two’s”. The great thing about the out back is
that I could often drive for many hours and not even pass another car let alone
bump into another person so stopping and taking a break was not much of an
issue. I would have said in fact that there was not much that fazed me when it
came to the call of nature in this regard because lets face it when you need to
go you need to go and there is a whole lot of land out there in the outback.
Unfortunately the same can not be said for large cities and when the call of
nature can be felt deep in the “bowels” of the city finding that elusive public
loo takes on a who new meaning.
I had the great pleasure of traveling
through the western districts of China
a few years ago and we had traveled to Xi’an
to visit the Terracotta Soldiers. For anyone who has ever contemplated the
incredible monument to human endeavor that is Terracotta army I can tell you
nothing prepares you for the incredible sight of the row upon row of soldiers
standing in an area covered by 3 aircraft hanger size sheds it is truly one of
the most amazing things I have seen. Every man is different from the other and
includes horses, chariots and it is only a part of the total site that includes
still more buried armies. The other great thing about visiting a place like China is the
food. If you think you know about Chinese food wait till you go to the home of
Chinese food. I would have to say that it is as astounding as it is
confronting. I don’t mind trying new things and when confronted with the
prospect of trying dog I did not flinch when it came to cold cuts of donkey
meat I had a go. However there are a few things that I know are not going to
work and one of them is shellfish. From experience no matter how it is cooked
or how it is prepared I just know me and shellfish just don’t mix. For some
with an allergy to shellfish the reaction can be as simple as coming out in
spots but in its worst form it can restrict breathing and actually be life
threatening. Thankfully for me my allergy is not life threatening but the
reaction is violent. I know that when I do get a little taste of an offending
sea creature the bodily response is not good and a bathroom is a necessity.
I had been in China for about 2 weeks and had
managed to try just about everything and avoid any hint of shellfish, not bad
for a country that just loves sea food. I had one day and one night to go
before my flight back to Australia.
We had decided to spend the last day at the Xi’an markets and do a bit of last minute
shopping. The markets cover about 2 city blocks and are made up of food stalls
as well as shops containing every conceivable object known to man and or woman.
As we wandered around the stalls in a crush of relentless human activity we
thought we should stop for lunch. Now there is another good thing about
traveling in China and that
is when you want to have a good feed of Chinese you don’t need to find China Town….
You’re standing in it. Interestingly every little district or place you go has
its own particular style of food and in this particular part of Xi’an it was a
kind of soup cooked on the table in front of you as you eat it. It comes with a
soup base in a clay pot that is put on a small gas fire in front of you and
then you chose the food you would like to add and as you cook you eat from the
boiling pot of soup. The people I was traveling with went to great lengths to
explain to the rather cute waitress that I could not eat shellfish so I was
relieved to see that my selection of food when it arrived at our table was made
up of meat of unknown origin but definitely not sea food and vegetables of
equally unknown origin but defiantly not sea food. It was a wonderful meal with
the aroma of the soup and the wonderful smells of the different combinations
cooking swirling around us. At the end of the meal the remaining soup is poured
into a little bowl and you finish it off with a cup of green tea.
You could imagine my surprise then when as
the soup was poured into my cup a flurry of little prawns flowed into my cup. I
instantly looked at my friends, my head turning to look at them and they
instantly looked at the waitress (who now took on the appearance of a serial
killer to me) with a look of horror and she said with a smile “no sea food,
just in soup!” The sky around me suddenly grew dark as a hundred scenarios ran
through my mind. It was my last day in China how could this happen?
Determined not to let it spoil the rest of our day I took the courageous
decision to ignore it but deep down I knew it was just a matter of time. Like a
time bomb primed and ready to go off I know what was about to happen. For the
next half hour we continued to walk around but I could not concentrate on the
shops no matter how I tried. I just could not ignore the tide welling up inside
me. I found myself thinking about the distance from my bum to the nearest
toilet and that was the best I could hope for as I knew only too well that it
often came up as well as come out.
It began slowly at first but just like a
dam wall with a small crack I know something is about to give. It came on as a
cold sweat at first and then the inevitable growling in the lower bowel; I knew
it was on for young and old. I look at my friend and I said in a calm but cold
tone I need a toilet and I need it NOWWW! It was right then just as the nowwwww
was leaving my lips that I saw it. It was a low concrete and brick building at
the far end of the street somehow inconspicuous but quite obvious now, my
salvation. As I start to walk towards it I realise that I am walking like a
speed walker in the Olympics and before I know it I have broken into a trot in
my attempt to avoid the trots. I now break into a fully-fledged run and as I
enter the building and peer through the dark humid air as wave of relief rushes
over me. I turn into a small corridor of cubicles and a wave of dense stench so
thick you could hardly see through it replaces the wave of relief. My first
thought is thank god western toilets. I go to the first door and it is locked.
I move to the second but it is occupied, that’s fine no need to panic. The
third is clearly out of order as indicated by the precious white porcelain bowl
scattered in pieces on the floor. This leads me to the last remaining cubical
and I knew in an instant that without a door it was bound to be a simple hole
in the floor but at this point I was beyond care. As I turned into the cubical
I was confronted with a sight so horrendous that I almost lost not only lunch
but a good part of all my bodily fluids all at once.
There before me was a pyramid, no a cone of
excrement so high protruding from the floor that I don't think I could have
stood over it where visitor after visitor had contributed to this new monument
of Xi'an. I stood in silence; the world stopped the sounds of a million people
silent and the darkness almost pressing against my skin. I begin to slowly walk
backwards from the cubical my eyes fixed to this “other” monument of human
endeavor. It was like looking at a car crash that you know you don’t want to
see but you just can’t help yourself. I continue walking backwards pushing past
people on the way in, one who seems intent on going into the cubical I had just
left. As I walk back into the street the light hurting my eyes the sound of
someone calling me brings me back to the present and the realization that I
still need a toilet. Just as I begin to give up all hope and come to terms with
the fact that I am about to say goodbye to my dignity and lunch a taxi pulls up
right in front of me. I reach in and pull the bemused people from the car and
collapse into the back seat and cry out the name of my hotel in the best
Chinglish I can while clenching my butt cheeks together and as I sit up
grasping the startled driver by the collar I look into his eyes with a cold
dead stare and I simply say FAST!
No comments:
Post a Comment